Jim Beam Ham - and a Poodle Pup

I'm southern. I'm a female. I love to eat. This means, I cook. I don't open cans and mix fixin's together. I cook. This is an easy recipe that makes friends ask for thirds. Well, let's just say this was the original recipe - - and the modified version follows:

Jim Beam Ham - Original Recipe

Soak a 4-5 pound Cure-81 ham in Jim Beam whiskey overnight. About 2 hours before serving, drain off the pot liquor and place scored ham in a shallow, lightly greased baking dish. Place the ham in a 350-degree oven for 30 minutes, and while the scored areas are separating, mix up the sauce:

Jim Beam whiskey - oh, about 4 oz. Fresh orange juice - ditto A 10-16 oz. jar of orange marmalade Ginger and cinnamon to taste

1 cup real maple syrup Dark Brown Sugar - enough to make the sauce thick Black pepper

Combine ingredients in bowl. Spoon sauce over ham every 20-30 minutes as it bakes, continuing for 1-2 hours. When ham is brown, remove from oven, drain sauce into pan and keep warm on the stove - - adding extra Jim Beam as needed to keep the flavor spunky! Slice ham onto a serving platter and spoon sauce over slices, makin' sure to serve extra in a gravy boat.

Jim Beam Ham - With Poodle Puppy

• Take your 4-5 pound, marinated Cure-81 ham out of the refrigerator.
• Use your foot, knee, elbow or whatever you have that's in proportionate size to that poodle pup from grabbing it out of your hands.
• Wash hands.
• Place ham on counter and bend over to get measuring cup from cupboard.
• Rise up quickly and hit head on chest of pup - - who is trying to reach up on counter to lick ham.
• Scold pup and work the "leave it" command.
• Rinse ham.
• Wash hands.
• Push ham to back of counter and sit down on floor to regain balance and stop seeing stars.
• Tell pup "DOWN" and reinforce with collar correction. Then give "STAY" command.
• Wash hands.
• Get ham into pan. Score top of ham.
• Trip over dog - - my gosh, he did hold the DOWN/STAY - - on the way to turn on oven to 350 degrees.
• Praise pup!
• Sit down on floor to regain balance and stop seeing stars.
• Wash hands.
• Take small sip from Jim Beam bottle to steady yourself.
• Get up. Look down to confirm pup is still in DOWN/STAY. Bend over and reach for bowl under counter. Stand up and place bowl on counter.
• Open drawer and get mixing spoon. Glance down and notice PUP IS GONE.
• Call pup. Wait. Repeat.
• Take small sip from Jim Beam bottle to steady your nerves.
• Find pup in bedroom closet - licking cat. Remove cat hairs from pup's tongue and return pup to kitchen and DOWN/STAY.
• Wash hands.
• Take small sip from Jim Beam bottle to make sure whiskey is still good.
• Place orange juice, marmalade, ginger and cinnamon in bowl. Notice that dog is gone.
• Find leash. Call dog. Wait. Repeat.
• Take Jim Beam bottle with you on way to bedroom closet.
• Sip twice.
• Remove cat's tail from pup's mouth and inspect for bite marks. None noted.
• Take pup by collar back to kitchen and say "NO, DOWN/STAY." Put leash on pup. Place leash under your foot. Put bottle on counter.
• Wash hands.
• Pick up bottle and take small sip of Jim Beam.
• Add maple syrup, dark brown sugar and black pepper to mixture in bowl. Begin to stir.
• Add approximately 4-6 oz. of Jim Beam to the bowl, save enough for medicinal purposes.
• Use collar to correct dog.
• Wash hands.
• Correct dog.
• Wash hands.
• Move ham from back of counter to front of counter.
• Take small sip from Jim Beam bottle.
• Check position of dog. Bend over and place leash at a 45-degree angle moving away from dog's neck.
• Step on leash - again. Repeat: this is a training exercise - I will NOT crate dog. Reinforce this mantra with a sip of Jim Beam.
• Wash hands.
• Place ham in oven; set timer for 30 minutes.
• Do basic obedience with dog for 10 minutes. Now, place dog in crate.
• Relax for 5 minutes.
• Open crate with leash in hand. Snag dog.
• Take dog to potty. As dog makes potty, buzzer on stove sounds.
• Bring dog in.
• Place dog in DOWN/STAY.
• Live dangerously by placing leash at 45-degree angle moving away from dog's neck. Step on leash.
• Wash hands.
• Turn off buzzer. Reset over temperature to 300 degrees.
• Remove ham from oven and place on hot plate; pick up bowl full of glaze and spoon.
• Begin to spoon glaze over ham.
• Scream "OH, NO!"
• Scream *&%%$ - - at least twice.
• Remove sticky spoon and it's oozing contents from your bangs.
• Wash hands.
• Remove glob of glaze from dog's head.
• Wash hands.
• Push ham to back of counter.
• Wash dog's head.
• Wash hands.
• Take GULP from bottle of Jim Beam.
• Place small amount of Jim Beam in palm of hands.
• Let dog lick from Jim Beam.
• Crate dog.
• Wash hands.
• Finish initial glazing of ham.
• Hold ham up to kitchen window and inspect for hair; thankfully, poodles don't shed but puppy fuzz does stick to ham glaze.
• Wash hands.
• Place ham in oven. Set timer for 20 minutes.
• Get glass.
• Put ice in glass.
• Pour 3 fingers of Jim Beam into iced glass.
• Sit on floor beside crate and toast dog.
• Finish Jim Beam.
• Give dog ice cubes from Jim Beam glass through wire mesh of crate.

When ham has been regularly basted and is done, 1-2 hours later, turn off oven. Leave ham inside. Take leash and place on dog's collar. Walk dog. Return dog to crate with several treats and large rawhide bone. Latch crate door.

Remove ham to serving platter. Remove drippings/glaze combination to sauce pan. Add a spot more Jim Beam. Heat. Slice ham and arrange slices on platter. Spoon no more than 1/2 of glaze over ham. Lift sauce pan to lips - - sip slowly - - remember, sauce is very warm. Put the pan down. Smile at dog.

Announce that "dinner is served." It is probably a good idea not to have wine with dinner if you have closely followed the second version of this reciepe.

 by Shirley Greene